Ron Stultz
At 80, I have lived some and don't remember being told this, but we do not age slowly, well we do, but one seems to notice that everything is more or less the same for a long time and then "bang", aware you have or are aging.
Hunks? Yes, age in hunks at various ages. Seems like first was around 35 years old and not a significant "happening", just some awareness of aging.
Another time at 50 or so and again, "bang" aging.
Now I am not saying these "aging hunks" are a bad thing, just that awareness of aging does happen and it seems to press itself on you or make sure you are aware. And you say, "Of course, physically!" But I say, "It is more than that. Perhaps some awareness of one hell'va mass of memories and experiences or something else."
Having been doing OK through the 60's although some background awareness that all my male relatives older than me by the age of 60, all had had heart attacks. Not me, of course, I think, but just an awareness. Remember my Dad in is 50's left his job selling real estate after 10-15 years and thought he ought go back to laying brick, which he once was very good at and did enjoy seeing the fruits of his labor immediately, but....can you guess? 99 degrees, in the sun and first major hear attack. Now at the time, I thought to myself, "What was he thinking or not thinking? He has been sitting around at a desk or in a car for 15 years and thinks he is still that physically fit, strong, 35-30 year old brick layer?? Stupid. But, during my 60's, when I was out in 99 degree heat and drenched with sweat, I did think of him and how I was no different than him. I was not acknowledging my age but I realized I did not know how to do that. How much is too much? But, the "boss", me, began to cut me a break and said, "It is Ok to take a break and cool off. If you don't finish it today, maybe tomorrow."
Certainly aging is physical. Today out doing something on a rock pile and lost my balance and only a year ago, would have recovered easily, not not today. Oh, did not hit ground, rocks hard but felt stupid about my loss of balance. I am aware of it but once again...."How much is too much?"
At 80, everyday, literally, someone I watched in a movie or heard sing or sort of knew is announced, "passed away".
Father-in-law in my car, me driving and we not talking much and ask, "At your age, ever think about death?" Immediate response, no hesitation at all, "Hell Yes, been to 10 funerals in last month. How could I not think about it?"
Of course, I did not continue to question. Now at 80, not sure how I feel about it.
"Fatal doubts." Had a friend who had fought in Vietnam and his firebase had been overrun one night and all howitzers lowered to ground level to beat back attack and at some point, he got this "fatal doubt". Just not sure he was going to survive this one.
He did survive but the concept stuck with him and me.
Had a dream once where I was out walking and a full grown tiger jumped me. 250 pounds of muscle and massive teeth and claws and as I struggled to defend myself, "fatal doubt". I occurred to me don't think I am going to get out of this one. But then, gouge his eyes out with your fingers came to mind and you know, having worn glasses my whole life, "I can't do that to him. Fingers in his eyes!"
But I did and kicked him in the balls and he let go of me and I woke up from the dream, but I can see coming, some sort of event, happening, certainly not a tiger but something, which I will fight but not be able to get out of it. Death.
Aging. At 80 I have a lot of peace now when I can properly keep my ego, self definition in check. Been a long time since I tried to impress someone and thinking about it, not sure I ever have but I am now in no rush to do anything and that is freedom at its best.
At 75 until now, lots of physical aging but my mind and ability to solve problems remains and I still interested in everything and lust to learn.
Enough. Not meant to be personal but guess required to convey what happens at aging awareness "events".
In the end, this living is and has been so strange. Know enough physics and biology to know, humans as a species is a miracle of the universe and I am here, somehow and understand some of it and feel more of it and want to be grateful up to the very last second.
Author of Trifocals. One Man's View
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